(For anniversary gifts, see memorial gifts and keepsakes.)

Remembering loved ones on the anniversary of a death

by Marg Pasteur

Anniversaries can be hard days. They remind us that life goes on - a year has passed - but we also remember our loss. With the passage of time we can find a new normal and start to move forward, but that does not mean forgetting.

Anniversaries can be the anniversary of a death, or the birthday of the deceased, Mother's or Father's Day, wedding anniversaries - any special date that was shared with the person when they were alive.

Get together with family and friends

It is also important to take care of yourself and your family. There is no need to mark the anniversary alone - anniversaries are times to bring out the photos and share memories. This is especially true when you are not the only one grieving. Most importantly, make sure you are still nurturing your relationships with family and friends - they will sustain you.

Maria's husband was killed in a traffic accident. She says: "I was getting worried as the date was coming up. My sister wanted to know if I wanted to do lunch. I thought I would just stay in - a year after the death, people have moved on, there's not really much to say. You miss them every day, but you know the anniversary is going to be tough. But in the end I thought company might be good. We had lunch, wine, a few tears and a few laughs. It was a sad day but good to reconnect."

Get out and active

The feelings and memories that anniversaries bring up can also spur us on to create new memories. Getting out of your comfort zone, or at least having a change of scenery, can be the best thing to do.

 Mark says: "When Fiona died, I was surrounded by people. She had a huge network of friends and family and it seemed like they all came to visit and pay their respects. As time went on, though, they stopped visiting and the reality of life alone started to really hit me hard. I had to get used to an empty house and, apart from work, a lot of empty time. As the anniversary was approaching, I realised that I was stuck in a rut and getting more and more isolated. If I didn't want this to be my life from now on, I knew I had to change something. When I was sorting through some old storage boxes, I found some old sketches of mine that I had done of Fiona when we first met, and I started wondering when I stopped drawing and why. So I decided, because Fiona wouldn't want to see me spending every night eating in front of the TV, to enrol in an art course one night a week and see if it was something I still enjoyed. It is, and it's something that is very calming, and the courses get me out of the house and mixing with people again."

Traditions will change, but are still important

Not many of us hope that our family will remain in mourning indefinitely after our deaths. Chances are, the deceased person would rather be honoured by fond memories and a commitment to enjoy what life has to offer.

Shannon's mother died of breast cancer in 1998, when Shannon and her siblings were in their late teens and early twenties. "Christmases were about family and food and Mum made that happen. She always put on a huge spread and I guess we all relied on her for that - I never thought about it while she was alive - all this food would just appear. It made Christmas. Our first Christmas without her, it was so obvious she was missing. Dad got out all her recipe books and we made dinner together. I know she would have wanted us to keep up the family traditions. Now we all have families of our own but we're all still cooking Mum's recipes."

Other ways to mark the anniversary of a death

• Visit the grave or memorial site - take flowers, or just take yourself. Graves and other memorials are special places where we can often feel the presence of the loved one who has passed on. Even if you are unable to attend the grave site yourself, you can arrange for flowers to be delivered by a local florist. 
   
• Write down your thoughts in the form of a letter to the deceased or a personal diary, reflecting on the events of the past year. This can be particularly valuable to revisit in the years to come.
   
• If you part of a church community, your could request that the deceased is remembered on the anniversary of their death, or simply go yourself to pray or light a candle in remembrance.
   
• Publish an "In Memoriam" notice in the newspaper to commemorate the deceased. These notices appear alongside the death notices.

How you choose to observe anniversaries is a personal choice. There is no one "right way" to do it, and the experience will change as the years pass.